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Astropoop!

Astropoop!

The skinny on your month.

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    Mark Ruffalo will appear to you in a dream and say, "Don't stop believing." This month: Become a motivational speaker — no, become the best motivational speaker.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
  • Section: 

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Special One-Liner Answers Edition.

    Dear Mexican: I wasn't born in this country but I got here as quickly as I could at the age of 10. I was born in Mexico and live in Houston, a city that is bursting at the seams with Mexicans and Latinos from every country south of the border. I think I have the solution to all this immigration debate.

    Section: 

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Muy caliente summer beach edition!

    Dear Mexican: Why are lowrider artists obsessed with surly clowns? Went to an exhibition of the art of Mr. Cartoon, in Venice Beach years ago, and the clowns in his art were downright disturbing. I've seen these nasty clowns on T-shirts and a bunch of other places, too. What's up with that? Did the whole culture have a nasty experience at the circus?

    Section: 

    Astropoop!

    Astropoop!

    The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F1
    In times of distress, you will find comfort in buying new socks. This week: Wear your nicest paisley suit.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
  • Section: 

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Mexican: Do your countrymen still worship the rock band Santana? Or are they looked as like the Who in England and Crosby Still and Nash in America, old relics from the good ol' Woodstock days?

    — Abraxas to the Maxas!

    Section: 

    Astropoop!

    Astropoop!

    The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    Your spatial reasoning skills will improve by 113% next month. This week: Document wherever you go, since that will be where you are.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
  • Section: 

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Mexican: From what I've seen and heard, Mexicans are very family-oriented. They take the names of their mothers and fathers, live with extended family, take carpooling to the nth degree and tattoo the names of their children across their bodies. We recently had a party and invited one of our Hispanic friends. She showed up with her grandmother, mother, sister and her two kids!

    Section: 

    Astropoop!

    Astropoop!

    The skinny on your week

    • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
      Week rating: F1
      You're on your own this week.
    • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
      Week rating: F2
      You're on your own this week.
    • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
      Week rating: F1
      You're on your own this week.
    • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)

    Section: 

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Mexican: Why do white people love Marco Rubio and cry at his speeches? Rubio was in my town selling his vision for America mierda to his gabacho constituency, and they drank it up like Tía's fresh jamaica. They laughed, they cried, they wondered why we Mexicans can't get behind the Great Brown Hope.

    Section: 

    Astropoop!

    Astropoop!

    The skinny on your week

    • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
      Week rating: F4
      You will have a moment of inspiration while vacuuming the living room. This week: Rattle some cages.
    • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
      Week rating: F5
      A birthday trip to Taos will cheer you up. This week: Ski with the worst of them.

    Section: 

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