by Don Winsor | Wednesday, November 18 | Posted in View

Over a dozen heretofore undetected terror plots were uncovered this week after a number of governors proclaimed their borders were closed to any but Christian refugees, despite their complete lack of any authority or ability to close the borders of their states to anyone at all.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, July 30 | Posted in View

Look, people, the answers are clear. When a bunch of gorillas get loose from the zoo and go around indiscriminately killing people, the obvious solution is more gorillas to fight the other gorillas. That's the only way to stop gorilla violence, for those first gorillas to think twice about going on a rampage because they're afraid of all the other gorillas. We don't need less gorillas and more laws. We need more gorillas. This message brought to you by the National Gorilla Association.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, July 30 | Posted in View

What a month! Heat, heat and more heat. At this point I'm content to spend my time in a state of vegetation in the AC, under a ceiling fan and in front of the television. I'm too old and fat to risk a heart attack or heat stroke running around out in the heat.

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Thursday, July 30 | Posted in View

To the editor:

I would like to bring to your attention that on your Thursday, June 4 issue of the paper, on page 2, bottom half of the page, there is a an article named "Spying is keeping special brownies away."

This particular article is infested with misinformation. And on top of that Edward Snowden's name is misspelled.

How serious do you think people will take F5 after such vital misunderstandings and confusions in this context? You draw your own conclusions. This message is only intended in a constructive criticism manner.

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Never mind the Sweeds running through.

by Don Winsor | Thursday, June 11 | Posted in View

I haven't been in Kansas at this time of year, even for a visit, since 1995. It's a confusing time, when the weather warmly reminds you of other places and then punches you with the fury of angry gods because you parked over the line on Tuesday. Most every day as I leave my place, I hear Mother Nature whisper "this would be a great day to go to the beach."

"That sounds nice," I respond. "But this would be an awful day to go to the beach, because other people will go to the beach."

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by Don Winsor | Wednesday, June 10 | Posted in View

This week, Apple held its annual Worldwide Developers Conference and announced a number of innovative new products that already exist. Apple fans unaware of the existence of things Apple hasn't told them about were quick to offer their credit card number to purchase things other people already had.

Apple Radio, for example, will be the first product to bring streaming radio-style music from the internet (aside from Spotify, Google Music, Pandora, and all of the other services which do that). Or, the actual radio.

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by Mike Marlett | Thursday, June 4 | Posted in View

After more than two years (or 12, depending on how you want to count it) as a weekly newspaper, F5 is going to go monthly.

We are going to publish a print version just in time for Final Friday every month. We'll keep up with our weekly (and daily, even) shenanigans online, at f5paper.com.

Our efforts are going to be concentrated on delivering better online content — more, faster, with fewer space restrictions.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, June 4 | Posted in View

As we transition into a monthly print publication (see this story) and to the fast-moving online world of up-to-the-minute Drudge Report journalism, I think it is very important that I use this weekly print space in a meaningful way, a way that will help you the reader. (If you're reading online, please print this out and continue.) Something you can clip out and laminate for future reference.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, June 4 | Posted in View

All day I sat around waiting for something to break loose. In Topeka, in Washington, even in Europe where they are talking about a deal with Iran. And the only thing that broke was our poor Secretary of State's leg. John Kerry stepped away from the negotiations to get a little exercise, rode his bike into a curb and broke a leg.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, May 28 | Posted in View

Though I grew up only about an hour from Wichita, I have never really experienced a Riverfest. It wasn't anything we'd venture in for when I was a kid. We'd see coverage on local news, back when people still had antennas, so we knew about it. As an adult, I never really lived here, so until two years ago when I was doing a show at the Crown Uptown while it was going on, I had virtually no Riverfestsperience. That experience was only one afternoon at the food court, after which I avoided the crowded area like the plague.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, May 28 | Posted in View

It's Monday. Memorial Day. And for a brief period the sun is out. I am sitting on my front porch reading the morning paper. The across-the-street neighbor has his American flag out, and it's flying at half staff on the pole, kept almost straight out by a stiff breeze. And I'm thinking of Ernie.

As a Vietnam-era veteran, you'd think that I knew quite a few men who were killed in action. After all, we lost over 55,000 in that war. But I was lucky. I wasn't close to the action or around many folks who were in it.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, May 21 | Posted in View

I do not really give a crap about Jem and The Holograms. There is no doubt whatever about that. However, I have nothing against it, either. I am Jem-der neutral. The cartoon was an equal counterpart to the toy commercial cartoons of my childhood; all were poorly written and remembered as being better than they really were. GI Joe, He-Man, Transformers, Thundercats, Silverhawks, BraveStarr, Max and the Wheeled Warriors, MASK, Challenge of the Go-Bots and so forth were squarely aimed at boys; girls got Jem and She-Ra.

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by Will Darrah | Thursday, May 21 | Posted in View

The Kansas Senate on Friday, May 16, elected not to take up legislation to allow beer sales from chain stores, and it makes little difference.

To be sure, if any such laws were to pass they would disrupt the status quo. But for the serious drinker — that is, a serious drinker by quality not volume — it really will not make that much of difference.

Walmart is not going to be your go-to store for anything that is not mass produced. Walmart is not about to sell a beer with a cork in it anyway.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, May 14 | Posted in View

Modern anti-bullying programs, in their attempts to protect children from violence at school, have had an unforeseen consequence. Schools have cracked down on all forms of childhood bullying in the past decade, mostly out of fear of litigation, and their overzealous measures have resulted in the United States falling far behind the rest of the world in the creation of new insults, epithets and terms which can be used to ridicule someone.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, May 14 | Posted in View

Whoa, Nellie! I really stepped in it with both feet last week. Even though I am just a lowly columnist and not a reporter, you'd think I'd at least get some facts before I sat down at the keyboard.

But I didn't, and I made a huge mistake: I gave out untruths and reasoned from them in a particularly egregious way. It was downright Brownbackian in its scope and falseness.

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The Texas Jewboy would make a fine Kansas governor.

by Joan Warren | Thursday, May 14 | Posted in View

Believe it or not, it's time to start looking for a new candidate and preparing ourselves to win the next Kansas Governor's election. I have found the perfect candidate, Kinky Friedman of the Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. He ran for office several times in Texas and lost. What's wrong is he's running in the wrong state. Kansas needs and wants Kinky, not Texas.

I checked with the Secretary of State's office, and there are no qualification requirements for governor. Actually a 10 year old could run. Kinky wouldn't even have to change his Texas residency.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, May 7 | Posted in View

I took one of those horrid Facebook-based surveys a few weeks ago — the kind which are usually completely useless clickbait whose questions and results are weighted to offer only the most self-congratulatory of results, because no one wants to be told they're Dudley Dursley when asked "Which Harry Potter Character Are You" despite the fact that they so clearly must be. The travel survey I took, however, was actually tough.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, May 7 | Posted in View

Ah! Springtime in Kansas. Balmy days, cool nights and pollen on the breeze. It never used to bother me, but this year the allergies or hay fever or whatever it is has knocked the crap out of me. My head is so full of snot that it feels like I am walking in six feet of motor oil.

My eyes are watering, won't focus well and are super light sensitive. My sinuses are draining down my throat and causing me to cough and choke frequently. Put succinctly, I am miserable. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't breathe well enough to sleep comfortably. Miserable, I say.

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by Don Winsor | Thursday, April 30 | Posted in View

Dear Kansas weather,

I am sorry, but the time has come for us to have a very serious talk. I can no longer accept the way you've been treating me. One day everything is great, and the next you're an unpredictable mouth of hell which threatens to destroy me and everything I care about. I want to believe, on days like Saturday, that every day could be like that… and then on Sunday you decide that it is almost winter again. Without warning, and in defiance of all expecations.

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by Bill Jenkins | Thursday, April 23 | Posted in View

It's 16 months out from the presidential nominating conventions but things are already heating up. A butt-load of Republican candidates is staking out every possible position from fiscally conservative state governor types who might be soft on social issues to bat-crap crazy zealots holding ground on the very lunatic fringes from libertarian to pulpit-pounding values fundamentalists.

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