We can't allow an insult gap

We can't allow an insult gap

SEEMS LIKE A PAIN IN THE ASS: Coccydynia is a real condition that hurts almost as much as listening to some asshole try to explain why we invaded Iraq.

Modern anti-bullying programs, in their attempts to protect children from violence at school, have had an unforeseen consequence. Schools have cracked down on all forms of childhood bullying in the past decade, mostly out of fear of litigation, and their overzealous measures have resulted in the United States falling far behind the rest of the world in the creation of new insults, epithets and terms which can be used to ridicule someone. The National Verbal Defense Center released figures this week which indicate that the United States would most likely lose a war of words if one were to start today.

"People are at their prime between the ages of 6 and 9," offered NVDC sociologist Ethel Tofflemeyer. "This is the prime time when a young mind realizes that what is different, if it can be pointed out in a succinct and modern way, is funny. Children today are barely allowed to call one another names at school, and this has caused our insult technology to fall far behind that of China, Europe and the rest of the world."

Tofflemeyer continued, "Children are our best source of new insults. The anti-bullying movement stunts the entire process and leaves us looking like… well, like dumbheads. I'm sorry, there just aren't any better words. That's what we're left with. That and rhyming names with things."

Some terms fall out of favor due to being recognized as needlessly offensive or harsh thanks to social progress; others lose their efficacy as we develop a cultural immunity over time. Being called a ninny, a nincompoop, or a nitwit was at one time accepted as justification for fisticuffs; modern language offers few such terms without resorting to base vulgarity.

The NVDC has been prepared for this eventuality and has been stockpiling words for centuries in anticipation of this sort of need. They have released a list of words which have been mostly unused for as much as a century, perhaps more in some cases. While they words may've lost their punch in their own time, our modern culture has little to no immunity to these terms. F5 has been asked to publish this list, in hope that you'll use these terms and encourage your children to do so as well.


Fustilugs — (origin 1500s; popularized in 1870s England) — A foul, fat, stinky beast of a man. Primarily used to refer to the smelly beachgoers from Devonshire, this term can now apply to all slovenly people who smell.

Pregnant Scholar — (1950s USA) — Originally used to refer to someone who is found drunk in the middle of the morning, it can be used to refer to anyone who consumes irresponsibly.

Yaldson — (1600s England) — The literal meaning of "yaldson" is "son of a prostitute," but like many insults involving parentage it is primarily about the person you're directing the insult at, not their parents. Less effective if the person's mother is an acknowledged, actual sex worker.

Sand Happer — (1860s USA) — Originally a derogatory term to refer to soldiers from South Carolina, the NVDC suggests using this term be used to infer that person might in fact be from South Carolina.

Gongfarmer — (1890s England) — The word came into use to refer to person who cleaned outhouses and public toilets, and it came into use to refer to people who talk too freely about their bathroom habits and other needlessly shared information.

Smellsmock — (1700s Ireland) — A person who turns every conversation toward the lewd and sexual; a lecherous type.

Coccydynia — (Medical) — A medical term meaning an irritation of the coccyx, or a "buttache." We all know a coccydynia.

Cacafuego — (1500s Spanish) — The pejorative name for a famous sailing galleon which directly translates to "fireshitter;" the word came to refer to anyone who needlessly and continually tells wild lies. Very similar to:

Bescumber — (1900s USA) — Literally, "to spray with shit." Refers to a person who dissembles so much that nothing about them can be trusted.

Munzwatcher — (1880s England) — This one is a bit specific, referring to someone who sneakily follows young couples around and demands hush money should he witness impropriety. Adapt this one to your needs as desired, you munzwatcher.

It is our hope that with this list, you can help to freshen our national dialogue through a more creative use of insults. Schools around the country will be issued this list and have been asked to share this information with their students. Get out of here, you pregnant scholars!