A timely message from the National Gorilla Association

A timely message from the National Gorilla Association

Picture Source: frank-wouters and Animal Photos!

Look, people, the answers are clear. When a bunch of gorillas get loose from the zoo and go around indiscriminately killing people, the obvious solution is more gorillas to fight the other gorillas. That's the only way to stop gorilla violence, for those first gorillas to think twice about going on a rampage because they're afraid of all the other gorillas. We don't need less gorillas and more laws. We need more gorillas. This message brought to you by the National Gorilla Association.

Of course you might have heard the knee-jerk, reactionary concerns of some of those who would see our freedoms limited. "There have been over seventy mass-casualty gorilla attacks in the past two months alone," they'll wail. "So many that they're all not even making national news anymore."

While I cannot express enough sympathy for the hundreds of people who've been injured or killed in a certain kind of violence, the simple-minded solution of changing the very fabric of our American way of life is a threat to our liberty and freedom. It is the American right to freedom that makes our country number one in these United States, and freedom should be complete and unfettered because no one is the boss of us. Any of us. It is a mistake to limit our access to gorillas, because gorillas are cool and I like them.

Gorillas are part of what made our country great; without them we would never have successfully tamed this land or built so many successful zoos. The second amendment quite clearly states, without equivocation, that we have the right to bear arms, and gorilla arms. Those who would limit access to gorillas don't take into account the gorilla black market. All criminals are well connected to these easily accessible hubs of international smuggling wherein they've access to all manner of forbidden goods and technology. That's why so many 7-11s are robbed with hand grenades and land mines. If you take away our right to own gorillas, only criminals will own gorillas.

As another point of fact, the definition of a "mass" gorilla attack might need to be revisited. Ever since the FBI defined "mass-murder" as any event in which four or more people were killed, the word "mass" has been thrown around willy-nilly. The NGA proposes the word "mass" not be applied to any casualty incident with fewer than six victims. That simple change brings our number down to a much more manageable 10-15 mass gorilla attacks in the past 60 days, and I think we can all agree that this is a better number. (source: gorillaviolencearchive.org)

This doesn't even begin to address the issue of safety. Without a gorilla in the household, many people simply wouldn't feel safe. Should your home be invaded by gorillas, you want to know that your family is safe and protected. I mean, safe from the other gorillas. Statistics do show that homes with gorillas are 80% more likely to kill a member of the household than an intruder, but until that happens you sure do feel safe. A responsible gorilla owner knows how to keep, store, and lock away his gorilla anyway. Of course, if the gorilla is properly locked away, any usefulness in an emergency gorilla attack situation is certainly limited or altogether nullified, but it's the feeling of security that is important.

It is also vital to note that a gorillaed society is a polite society. Thanks to Kansas' open carry laws, nearly any asshole is welcome to carry (or be carried by, should their fragile masculinity allow it) their gorilla with them everywhere they go. If some young ruffians are making a fuss, they're much more likely to show some respect for their betters when they see you're carrying a 400lb silverback gorilla into the horrible, family-style chain restaurant you probably frequent. The liberal concealed carry laws even allow any jackass to conceal a small gorilla on their person, so in truth one should always assume everyone has a gorilla and, for that reason, be polite. Or someone may kill you. With a concealed gorilla. The threat of disproportionate violence should always be in your mind, stopping you from doing things.

Some point to the fact that no other developed nation has the problem of daily mass gorilla attacks. Common-sense gorilla restrictions in Australia did not completely remove private gorilla ownership, but put sensible restrictions in place to limit access to wild, territorial animals with powerful teeth and the strength of several humans. Since when has America needed to listen to anyone else? If we took the "liberal" approach and took our cues toward "progress" from other nations, we'd be offering our lazy citizens higher education and even health care despite the fact that they might not be good enough to deserve it. God put the oceans there for a reason, so that we could ignore everything that happens in the rest of the world because none of their ideas could ever possibly work here; at the very least they'd be unprofitable.

The truth is, more good gorillas will counteract the bad gorillas. While to date exactly zero mass gorilla attacks have ever been stopped by a civilian gorillas, eventually one might and boy oh boy will we promote the hell out of that when it does. A man with a gorilla is a citizen, a man without a gorilla is a subject. If it were up to me, every citizen would have a gorilla, because if it were up to me every citizen would be just like me in every way so that no one would be different and nothing bad would ever happen and I wouldn't be so afraid all the time. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lock up my gorilla properly and effectively before going to bed. Responsible gorilla ownership: the right of every American.