Star Wars trailer brings new hope
Last week, the nation stopped to shed a tear of joy as every single right-minded American watched the Star Wars: Episode VII trailer after it was unveiled at the mammoth Star Wars Celebration event in Anaheim. For those few seconds, the national level of cynicism dropped by, according to some scientists, as much as 80% as people for one fleeting moment began to believe in things again. While an earlier teaser had caused what scientists called "an unprecedented spike in childish glee," the new trailer brought hundreds of thousands of adults to tears when they were shown a clip of an elderly man and a tall Brit wearing what amounts to a carpet standing in a hallway.
The film, set for release this Christmas, is expected to shatter records at the box office while simultaneously shattering workplace productivity as offices, schools and even hospitals shut their doors to attend the premiere.
"I plan to see it at least three times," said Rebeccah Wichmann, 36, of Richmond, Virginia. "The first time I imagine I'll just be crying as soon as I see Princess Leia, and I will remember what it was like to feel joy… to feel anything. So I'll miss a lot of it."
While many are like Rebecca and are looking forward to seeing their favorite childhood heroes return to the screen, others have their reservations.
"I'm concerned that they maintain the integrity of the Millennium Falcon," offered Matt Jones, 42, of Massachusetts. "Because the hyperdrive should always be busted and Chewie should not be able to… I'm sorry, I need a moment."
Mr. Jones was unable to regain his composure for 30 minutes, and was only intelligibly able to repeat the phrase "Chewie, we're home," for the rest of the interview.
While the nation seemed united in its adoration of the new trailer, many asked how the nation could in fact be so unified in its adoration of these films when, as children, they had been bullied simply for liking Star Wars. This has led to an online drive to uncover which fans are in fact genuine, and which spent their childhoods poking true fans with sticks or throwing dodgeballs at their heads. Signs to look for include referring to C-3PO as "3CPO" and answering "Who was your favorite character" with "Spock."
Some in the group hope to uncover the adults who now pretend to have always been fans in order to punish them for their childhood crimes, while others look to simply identify them with the embrace of brotherhood as Star Wars brings everyone together. During this hug, they will have "Kick Me" signs placed on their backs, which must be worn until 2016.
The trailer, as of this writing, had been viewed at least 20 million times worldwide, which translates roughly into 76 years of 24/7 viewing of the trailer.
Disney today announced plans for Star Wars to run for president, a move which confused many as Star Wars is a series of films and not a person. Republicans and Democrats alike condemned the move, but none of this seemed to matter as Star Wars immediately shot to the top of every available presidential poll.
"If a corporation can be a person, so can Star Wars," offered Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. "I'm sure America will love the plans JJ Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan have for Star Wars, and in turn what plans Star Wars has for America."
You did see it, didn't you?