St. Patty's can be done with aplomb
St. Patrick's Day is a multifold holiday when we celebrate not only the contributions of persons named Patrick, but those of famous drinkers as well. Some of our most beloved fictional characters celebrate the comical upside of drunkeness — Shakespeare's Falstaff, Victor Borge's stage persona, Dudley Moore's irascible scamp Arthur and, of course, Lindsay Lohan. On St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate them and all those who can manage their drink with aplomb and complete disregard the fact that you may have a very serious problem.
While once an excuse to drink horrifyingly terrible beer which had been dyed green, the modern St. Patrick's Day celebrant knows that any amount of alcohol will suffice if imbibed in sufficient volume. One needn't sacrifice quality; your beverages can be verdant in quality rather than pigmentation.
There is no reason why you cannot celebrate an exciting but refined St. Patrick's Day and inebriate yourself in the style of a self-aware gentleperson, unlike those crazed ruffians whose apebrains can comprehend nothing further than plastic pitchers of leprechaun-piss beer while bellowing nonsensical roaring come ons at dimly smiling waitresses whose patience is as thin as their hope of getting a reasonable gratuity from the packs of gorillas who've leaked over from the sports bars.
Should your baser nature somehow still require that your drinks include a celebratory emerald hue, our recommendation is that you purchase a small vial of McCormick's green food coloring to carry with your throughout your evening's pub crawl.
Let's prepare for our evening, shall we?
While in the past any sort of green clothing would suffice, this year we recommend looking your best. Do you own a tuxedo or evening gown? Let's start there. It would be best if the dress or tuxedo were green, but we can always add a touch of jade to any ensemble later. If you've no tuxedo, any suit will do, particularly if in a shade of green.
It's easy to dress up a gentleman's outfit for the evening, simply add a green tie or pocket square. For ladies, any green accessories will do. Earrings? A necklace? Perhaps green garters or Beats by Dre?
Next, you'll want to Scotchgard whatever you're wearing. Seriously. Just have a friend spray it all over you while you turn slowly in a circle. Next, take one of your business cards and write a friend's name and contact number on the back of it. Laminate this card. Then, put it in a pocket. If you've no pockets, improvise.
At approximately 6 p.m., you'll want to eat something with a high natural fat content. That will slow down the rate at which food leaves your stomach and gird you for the oncoming storm. For this purpose, we recommend you start your St. Pat's crawl at The Hungry Heart on Commerce; there you can have some nice food before beginning your evening's festivities in earnest.
You'll have until 7 p.m. here, during which time we recommend you start with a measure of fine Irish whiskey. We endorse no brands, and here you can trust whatever is recommended by your bartender. Once you've enjoyed your inaugural beverage, why not pop next door to Lou's for a touch of quality beer? It's our second spot for the night, and here you'll open the discussion with "Who is your favorite Patrick?" Everyone will debate and defend their choice; you have until 7:30 to reach a consensus and depart.
Now, it's time to move. We recommend moving your vehicle to a place you'll be able to find it tomorrow, because you won't be needing it again this evening. A central location is preferable, though the central lots near River City Brewing Company are sure to be crowded with the vehicles of the great unwashed. If you're lucky and manage to find a spot here, it should be an easy walk to the Anchor, on Douglas. Your well-dressed party will surely attract the stares of local gentry as you parade toward this next establishment. Here, you'll enjoy a series of the playfully named "Irish Car Bombs." You'll have fun as you apply your green food coloring liberally to the foam atop the Guinness. Fun fact: Guinness is a magical beer whose perceived color reflects the content of the drinker's soul.
By approximately 9 p.m., it's time to move on to a new place. It's normal to feel a bit constricted by your tie at this point, and it is perfectly acceptable to loosen it as you and your party head to your next recommended destination, the most obvious choice for Wichitan St. Patricksing, The Shamrock. For this I recommend commandeering a party bus or a passing carriage. It doesn't matter, just don't drive. In any case it is important that your party doesn't get separated, so I recommend your party sing a traveling song as you travel. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is effective, as it requires a call and response not unlike those employed during military training.
Some of the less hearty members of your group may already be feeling the effects of their inebriants, which while horribly bad form is nonetheless excusable so long as they don't try to phone their ex-girlfriend or show everyone pictures of her and how happy they were together, what happened, why did she leave? It is at this point you should send your friend home in their own taxi, so that the rest of the party not be infected with the awareness of the reality of the emptiness and futility of absolutely everything.
By now you've reached The Shamrock. Where else would you wind up in Wichita on St. Patrick's Day? Here, your entire group should first enjoy a double measure of the establishment's finest vodka, if for no other reason beyond that you haven't had any yet. Before drinking, use what remains of your green coloring to ritualize this final first beverage. Demand quiet before delivering your toast, which should include what you truly, honestly think of everyone in the party. Including her. Yes, it's time. Even if he's there. The courage of your accumulated whiskey shall sustain you.
The evening can go several ways from this point, at least 60% of which involve fisticuffs and/or regurgitation. Continue to imbibe until you're told by the staff that "you've had enough," which means that in their informed opinion you have well and truly honored the holiday and need drink no more.
At this point, find someone whose fingers can still operate a phone to order an Uber for you. Uber is better in this case than a taxi because the financial transaction will be handled automatically and you'll not need the dexterity or mental prowess to do the complex calculations necessary to avoid giving an accidental $100 tip.
When you get home, be sure to eat an entire loaf of bread before retiring. We hope you've enjoyed our pub crawl this evening, and we're sure that in the morning you'll realize why we recommended that Scotchgard.