The future? Who needs it?
Kansas is once again at the forefront of progress, as our pioneering legislature scoffs at stuffy old terms like “scientific consensus” and “conflict of interest.”
We at F5 fully endorse the plan set forth by Rep. Dennis Hedke in House Bill 2366, which would ban “sustainable development” from our borders and allow corporations their God-given right to pollute without consequence.
This measure will, among other things, do wonders for our economic growth by attracting hundreds of dollars of investment from the growing tire burning industry.
Though the United Nations — and who elected them? — suggests through their Agenda 21 that all member countries attempt to manage energy use, conserve and generally take care of the planet, we here in Kansas are not so naïve as to fall for their scare tactics.
After intense debate, our editorial position is officially, “Nice try, Illuminati.”
It is only through the vigilant and watchful eye of patriotic Americans that the subversives at the U.N. will be prevented from accomplishing their sinister goals to preserve the planet for future generations.
With Rep. Hedke leading the way shown to him by his employers — he’s a geophysicist under contract with Koch Industries — we can make sure every Kansan is free to eat their Big Macs out of the original 1970s-era styrofoam containers.
This will not be easy! It will require diligence and attentiveness from every citizen, as it is not always simple to live an unsustainable lifestyle. F5 would like to caution readers to be on the lookout for subversives in our own communities, and even whole families who might try to live sustainably. Signs to watch for:
The moment your son leaves the house, does he jump into a carpool with other children who could each be driving themselves to school?
Are there signs of gardening in your backyard?
Is your neighbor watering their lawn for less than three full hours each day?
Does your sister own a “bi-cycle?” (This is a two wheeled vehicle without a motor.)
Are certain words creeping into their conversation, words like “environmental impact report,” “affordable housing” and “conservation”? If so my friends, you’ve got trouble — right here in empty riverbed city — with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for pool. Do you have one? If so, be sure to empty and refill it daily. No one wants to swim in your filthy, day-old water.
Sure, it’s fine to blow the whistle on others who aren’t doing their part, but what about you? What other ways can you use more resources? Here are some handy tips:
Your car was built to run. Why shut it off? Think of the time you’ll save when you can simply get in and get out of your car without that pesky turning of the ignition. Modern vehicles don’t even need to be shut off at the gas pump; if it’s a legitimate fueling the car will release hormones which will prevent it from exploding.
Home trash removal is expensive and you can’t be sure they won’t separate out some of the recyclables against your will. You can save money AND time by simply burning all of your garbage in your backyard.
When you order your coffee to go, rather than getting one large cup, why not three small cups?
Flushing your toilet every time you do your business can be confusing and a real time sink. Simple instructions available on the internet will allow you to alter your toilet so that it is ALWAYS flushing — you’ll never have to mess with complicated levers and buttons again!
If we do our part, the children of Kansas will have a brighter future, or at least a warmer one. In celebration of Hedke’s groundbreaking legislative effort, this week’s F5 is printed on a special high-density paper that uses an entire tree for each issue. Please be sure not to reuse this paper in any way or even share it with a friend, as by press time this may be a punishable offense.