FFAA is all the freedom we need

FFAA is all the freedom we need

The Kansas Legislature is currently debating new legislation which its proponents say will protect the beliefs and rights of every citizen. While somewhat controversial, Kansas' proposal has met with far less criticism than similar measures debated and even passed in other states. The Kansas bill stops short of bigotry, however. Kansas' Freedom From Assholes Act, or FFAA for short, would explicitly prevent business owners from being penalized for refusing to allow douchebags to give them money for their goods and services.

"It seems clear that our country is full of assholes," bill sponsor Rep. Emil Zarkov (R, Pratt). "Our state is no exception. Just look what they've recently done in Indiana! Douchebags everywhere. My bill would prevent those right-minded Kansans who choose to stand up for their beliefs to do so without fear of being sued for discrimination."

The bill is seen by some as unfair discrimination, and is being hard fought by such diverse asshole-heavy organizations such as the American Union of Fraternities and Sororities, The Organization of Kirk Camerons, the Robertsonians (the militant arm of the 700 Club), the American Federation of Parents Who Bring Babies To Movies and the Dane Cook Fan Club. Surprisingly, the ACLU has spoken out in favor of FFAA, offering only this statement: "Screw them."

Testimonies from all sides of the issue were heard in Topeka this week from top douchebaggery experts on both sides of the issue. El Dorado urologist Buck Rogers spoke to a joint committee in favor of the measure. "I have handled a lot of pricks in my day, and I can say without equivocation that being a jerk is a choice. We're not asking you to be dillweeds yourself and try to legislate against persons for an inherent part of their character. Race, sexual orientation, whether or not you're really ugly — these things can't really be changed. Being an asshole is a decision, and those of us who find that sort of behavior reprehensible should not be forced to pretend otherwise."

Trent Henry, a 32-year-old dick from Bel Air, almost broke down when imagining a world in which this law were in effect.

"Dude, what if I was like, trying to fill up my jetski at QuikTrip and they didn't like the sticker on the flat brim of my backward baseball hat? What if I was scoping out that hot babe who works at the coffee shop and they stop letting me in, just because of my sweet Oakleys, brah? I mean, like, dude, imagine if I was super-wasted and fell on the street outside of Heroes and tore up my leg, and needed like, a doctor or something? And I couldn't get medical attention? Brah, if you bleed us, are we not pricks?"

Rep. Zarkov is quick to dismiss such complaints. "There will always be places that will serve their kind. I've never seen an Old Chicago turn anyone away for an Ed Hardy shirt, for example. They aren't going to starve. They just won't be able to enjoy very many farm-to-table restaurants or craft coffeehouses."

The definition of asshole was a hotly debated subject; it was determined that the definition would include jerks, assholes, pricks, sons and/or daughters of bitches, motherfuckers, dillweeds, idiots, pricks, dicks, asswipes, asshats, meatheads, dirtbags, shits and pieces of shit.

Not included in the legislation would be those who only fell under either nincompoops, ninnies, numbnuts, knuckle- or chuckleheads, morons and maroons.

The legislation stemmed from a case in which 27-year-old Sandy Burch was refused further service at a Garden City cafe after verbally assaulting the barista who had made her coffee. Ms. Burch insisted that the drink was not a "f-ing caramel macchiato, don't you even know how to make a stupid caramel macchiato?"

The case was dismissed when it was proven that Ms. Burch did not, in fact, know what a macchiato actually was and in fact had wanted something more akin to a milkshake. The case brought to light the need for protection for businesspeople like Tim and Jeff Gertner, the recently married owners of Where Have You Bean, Garden City's premier Kathy Mattea themed coffeehouse.

"Look, we understand that some people are just idiots," offered Tim Gertner. "We accept that. That doesn't mean we have to accept their money for the goods and services we offer in our open-to-the-public business when they live a lifestyle we don't approve of."

Jeff Gertner was somewhat more emotional as he explained, "We just don't want our children exposed to Nickelback. We know we can't protect them forever, but not until they're old enough to understand what choices are the right choices."

An amendment was offered to the bill late Monday which stated that any business which refused to serve assholes would have to place a highly visible sign indicating the fact in their window. No one seemed to have a problem with that.

Sadly, the bill remains unlikely to pass, as even in the unlikely event that should it make it through the asshole-controlled house and senate, it faces a likely veto in the governor's office, so long as assholes remain in office.