Domestic terrorism threat thwarted
Over a dozen heretofore undetected terror plots were uncovered this week after a number of governors proclaimed their borders were closed to any but Christian refugees, despite their complete lack of any authority or ability to close the borders of their states to anyone at all.
"Our new test of asking refugees 'Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior' has led to some real breakthroughs in terror detection I tell you what," said Louisiana governor Piyush Jindal. "Screening out the people who say 'no' to that question not only eliminates the threat of terrorism completely, but also lays the groundwork for this sort of test for the general population."
Terror suspect Azim Raza was one of those caught while being screened at the Kansas/Syria border crossing.
"I have to admit, this was clever. Check and mate, Mister Brownback. This game goes to you. I may be willing to handle enriched uranium in order to craft a dirty bomb I'll use to murder myself and hundreds of infidels," he said. "but I did not expect to have to lie about being a member of another religion. That is something I was simply unprepared to do."
Some critics claim that the new tests are too strict and also eliminates Jewish, atheist, Buddhists, Hindus, Pastafarians, agnostics, pagans, Druids, Mayans, Aztecs and thousands of other groups in addition to Muslims, but when asked about these peoples' rights Reupublican frontrunner (no, really) Donald Trump simply belched and mumbled, "Oh yeah, I'm a Christian. That bible is great. Awesome. We should do more of that. Christian."
RNC spokeman Josie Girbles issued a statement congratulating the Republican governors on their forward-thinking, common-sense based actions.
"These actions were not based at all on small-minded, kneejerk cowardice," Girbles stated. "The need to purify and protect our populace has proven popular, in particular with people who have never traveled outside the United States for more than two weeks," she alliterated.
Girbels continued, "Supporters admit that the verbal testing might not be 100% effective in ending terrorism forever, and so some states have begun using a variation of tests used to screen unwanted populations in parts Europe prior to and during World War II."
The LLATE, or "Looks Like A Terrorist Examination," will be handled by expert $10/hour federal security experts whose bloodlines and ancestry have been vetted by an independent committee.
When the FBI late Tuesday arrested three Christian, Caucasian men for a massive terror plot to bomb primarily black-attended churches, many suspected the new screening programs had failed entirely.
Governor Jindal, when questioned about the new arrests, was quick to respond: "What do you mean? These men aren't terrorists. They're American, and Christian, and as white as the portrait hanging in my office. Not that that their color makes a difference, but look at my picture."
Religious experts were quick to agree.
"Terrorists are brown, non-Christian people," said ancient wizard Pat Robertson. "That's what it says in the bible. Well, the new bible, the version will be released this Saturday, available via the700club.com. These guys were just some friends goofing around."
In related news, due to mistakes in paperwork and communication, the popular ’90s band The Fugees was forced to cancel the remainder of their national tour after being denied entry to seven states along their route.
F5 recommends all Kansans renew their interstate passports and have their travel permits stamped "Christian" and "Non-Juden" before planning holiday travel! Happy Thanksgiving!