Astropoop!

Astropoop!

The skinny on your week

Scorpios: This week, write Bill Nye a fan letter. (But don't explain that your horoscope told you to.)

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F1
    In times of distress, you will find comfort in buying new socks. This week: Wear your nicest paisley suit.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You'll almost lose a leg when a mom pushing a stroller knocks you over at full speed. This week: Give side-eye to every mom you see.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
    You'll be startled — but flattered — when your mail carrier gives you a full kiss on the lips. This week: Invite your new love to your birthday party.
  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F3
    Your mother will confront you about your drinking problem ... until you show her you've been slamming La Croix sparkling water to stay hydrated. This week: Recycle those cans, son!
  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F5
    Now is not the time to question the mysterious. This week: Go hunting for sea serpents!
  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F4
    Since you learned about “National Ice Cream Month” a month early, you should start celebrating now. This week: Wear your pants with the elastic waistband.
  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F3
    You'll be distracted at the post office by an Aries wearing the most beautiful paisley suit. This week: Give this patterned vision your number.
  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F4
    Now is the perfect time to stay indoors and learn how to put ships in bottles. This week: Write Bill Nye a fan letter.
  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21) l
    Week rating: F5
    You will finally complete your comprehensive collection of every David Bowie record, 8-track, mp3, CD and bootleg recording. This week: Don't tell them to grow up and out of it.
  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will discover that an ex-lover is spying on you during a screening of the movie Spy. This week: Spy on your spy.
  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F4
    This is the perfect time to begin refurbishing and re-selling old window air conditioners. This week: Sneak out of the office for ice cream with your Virgo bestie.
  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You need a vacation. Why not try Colorful Colorado? This week: Pay for everything in nickels.