Astropoop!

Astropoop!

The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    A summer breeze will make you feel fine. This week: Something, something, jasmine of your mind.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You will take a big pause when you realize that this week marks the 10 year anniversary of the release of the third Star Wars prequel — you know, the maybe not all that terrible one. This week: Use the Force.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
    Be your own personal Jesus. This week: Lift up the receiver. Or just walk on some water. Whichever makes you more comfortable.
  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F1
    You discover that you've got a red guitar, three chords and little else. This week: Get so drunk that you hear opera in your head.
  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F5
    Your boss does know about those photos on Internet. This week: Repeat some mistakes for old time's sake.
  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F1
    Your daddy's rich and your mama's good looking — but you take after neither. At least you'll always have Paris. This week: Godot shows up, and he is pissed.
  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F1
    Daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car. This week: You'll look at the artists on the Billboard Top 100 and think, "Who are these people? Does this make me old or Billboard completely worthless?"
  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F3
    You try to throw your arms around the world but you're drunk. This week: Don't forget to vote. Er. Damn. Sorry. Get a time machine and fix the last election?
  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
    Week rating: F4
    No, Star Wars is not based on a true story. This week: Walk a dog on an treadmill.
  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F4
    "Jingoistic" is no way to describe acoustic-driven rock. This week: Run to stand still, but where shades for the glaucoma. And, you know, try an herb treatment.
  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F2
    Cats cannot smile. They are OK with this. That might be what's wrong with them. This week: Fiddle on a hot tin roof.
  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F3
    Shred skateboards, not carrots. This week: Consider how Gene Hackman feels about gene therapy. Would you like to talk about it?