The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    Within two weeks, most of your wardrobe will be chain mail.
  • This week: Don't make out with random strangers named Nick.

  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F1
    You're too cool for Gang Green.
  • This week: Desk-er-size your way into cardio bliss.

  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F2
    You will discover that you are the conscience for all Cancers.
  • This week: Memorize the ingredients of Dr. Pepper.

  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F5
    You'll receive International acclaim for your blueberry pies. International.
  • This week: Drop it like it's temperate, bordering on overly warm.

  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F2
    You'll snag a date based solely on your cute freckles.
  • This week: Enjoy a Sno Cone.

  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F3
    Face it, you were built for speed.
  • This week: Cover a friend's car with post-it notes.

  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F2
    The stars will align to bring you outrageous gas.
  • This week: Watch Finding Nemo naked.

  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F4
    You can finally answer, "Yes, I'm a natural blue."
  • This week: Wear a sarong everywhere.

  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
    Week rating: F5
    Your interrogations won't be stringent enough.
  • This week: Make a necktie of cucumbers.

  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F4
    After reading a biography on Calamity Jane, you will become obsessed with being a "rootin' tootin' cowgirl."
  • This week: Shoot from the hip.

  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F1
    A semi-automatic waffle iron from a flea market is in your future.
  • This week: Don't panic when you wake up with your face in a bowl of Jell-o.

  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F5
    All those anatomy classes are about to pay off.
  • This week: Get serious thrill issues, dude.