The skinny on your week

by Diviner Mme Zanzibird

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    One day, your face will be on the dollar bill.
  • This week: Enjoy some birthday karaoke with friends.

  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    You will create the perfect order at Cold Stone Creamery.
  • This week: Take up the sitar to look cool.

  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F2
    Gweneth Paltrow will feature prominently in your dreams.
  • This week: Dilly dally.

  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F4
    Everything is shiny because you dropped your glasses in glitter.
  • This week: Marinate yourself in Sriracha sauce.

  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F2
    Your next party trick will be doing the "Safety Dance."
  • This week: Befriend the sad drunk next to you at the bar.

  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F3
    It's OK to admit it; you don't like fritatas.
  • This week: Ride your bicycle to the DMV.

  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F1
    Chicken Little has nothing on you.
  • This week: Drink nothing but chocolate milk for the next month.

  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F2
    In a surprising turn of events, the Easter Bunny left teeth under your pillow.
  • This week: Hide the teeth in places that will scare coworkers.

  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
    Week rating: F3
    You will become the last person in the United States to watch Steel Magnolias.
  • This week: Learn how to make grey icing.

  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F2
    You will get in a fist fight in a Dairy Queen soon.
  • This week: Quit a group or a hobby that you've been stringing along for a while.

  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F4
    Governor Sam Brownback will write you a thoughtful thank-you card.
  • This week: Take a Taurus out for ice cream.

  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F5
    You'll be a rebel for getting a conceal and carry license.
  • This week: Snag a hot date to Tulip Time in Belle Plaine.