The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    You shouldn't hide that sprocket rocket in your pants.
  • This week: Get in a barbershop war.

  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    That charcoal sketch of your building manager will earn you $25 off next month's rent.
  • This week: Barbara Walters is on your speed-dial.

  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F2
    You can dig for gold, but it won't work if you don't have a hoe.
  • This week: Find out how many matches you can stuff into your pockets.

  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F5
    You will catch a group of cultists fashioning graven images of yourself.
  • This week: Don't give money to the gypsies.

  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F1
    You're about to be called "Pookie" a little too much.
  • This week: Tell San Bernardino you say hello.

  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F4
    Who needs tie-dyed suspenders? You do!
  • This week:

  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F3
    You hate ranters and ravers almost as much as God does.
  • This week: Get your mariachi on.

  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F1
    You will spend too much time thinking about the plight of man and too little time on your taxes.
  • This week: Throw out that Chumba Wumba CD.

  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
    Week rating: F5
    You'll discover your natural talent for marketing and for pet psychology.
  • This week: Rub a little seasoning in.

  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F2
    You're about to find out just how serious the polka can get.
  • This week: Try this on for size.

  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F3
    You will have Karma Chameleon stuck in your head starting right ... now.
  • This week: Chronicle your struggles.

  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F4
    You'll wake up tomorrow to find a semi full of guitars parked on your lawn.
  • This week: Dye your hair and change your name.