Astropoop!

Astropoop!

The skinny on your week

  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    Don't forget to treat your Pisces friends to birthday drinks and sushi. They may return the favor when your birthday comes along. This week: Sing out the pain at karaoke.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    You'll get more support than you anticipate when you wear Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie makeup. This week: Take a road trip to Dunkin' Donuts.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
    Get ready; your glockenspiel-playing skills are about to come in handy. This week: Mystery and enchantment awaits at the Super 8.
  • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
    Week rating: F5
    When you finally get the courage to step out on the town, you'll run into a Minaj-level celebrity. This week: Try to last longer than a Republican filibuster.
  • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
    Week rating: F1
    You'll discover who stole the doormat from your front porch. It's not who you think it is. This week: It's punch-drunk lust.
  • Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
    Week rating: F3
    Virtuous Virgo, did you know that you are a tin-whistle virtuoso? This week: Calibrate your engines.
  • Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
    Week rating: F4
    You'd think Googling "call your girlfriend" and "butter tub" would get dirty results, but it does not. This week: Fix your jones for Cupcake Jones.
  • Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21)
    Week rating: F2
    It takes a while to reach your "final straw" when you have so many straws to begin with. This week: Something itchy this way comes.
  • Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
    Week rating: F5
    There's a surprise waiting for you in Pawnee Prairie Park. This week: Put the "Mike's" in Mike's Hard Lemonade.
  • Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
    Week rating: F4
    It's in the cards, it's in the tea leaves, and it's written on your palm: go, go, go. This week: Share the Jolly Ranchers.
  • Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)
    Week rating: F2
    Running the numbers is a bummer, so don't do it. This week: Wink at the next hipster you see.
  • Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20)
    Week rating: F5
    Hayyyy, birthday Pisces! You look so good for your age. This week: Call someone "cookie," and make it convincing.