Amuse

by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, July 10 | Posted in Amuse

Dear Mexican: I noticed that Mexican people don't generally smoke. Don't get me wrong — I'm not condoning smoking, but it's interesting to see how some groups do or do not smoke, and I have yet to see a Mexican person smoke cigarettes. Does the tobacco industry not target Latinos?

Fulminating Fumador

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by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, July 3 | Posted in Amuse

Dear Mexican: The tragedy currently playing out on the U.S. southern border has reminded me to once again ask my three-years-ago-posed and perhaps-more-relevant-than-ever question (slightly tweaked): If the U.S.

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The skinny on your week

by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, July 3 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    The world doesn't care if you have dishpan hands. This week: Sample all of the chocolate-covered caramels Wichita has to offer.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    Your hometown will finally stop playing that version of "God Bless the USA" at this year's 4th of July ceremony. This week: Celebrate with vodka watermelon.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F3
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 26 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I think I might be Mexican — but there are some people who might disagree. Being that you are the source of all knowledge mexicano, I thought I might ask you. Here's the deal: My ancestors left the U.S. in 1847 knowingly and entered recognized territorio mexicano. The U.S. and Mexico were in the middle of a war. At the end of that war, the U.S. stole the land from Mexico. Pero eso no es mi culpa, pues. Sure my parents never identified themselves as Mexicans and most of my ancestors haven't either.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 26 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will get caught in the line of fire when two farmers' market vendors get into an argument over whose sweet corn is better. This week: Nothing compares to your Beyoncé-themed parties.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
    Depending on the weather, you may soon have to cash in on all those things you said you'd do "on a cold day in July." This week: Learn to work a feather boa.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 19 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do some Mexicans expect us to learn Spanish instead of them learning English? (NOTE: I did say SOME, not most or all!) I'm offended whenever I am ASSAULTED by listening to anything in Spanish on phone menus or see it on forms that I have to fill out. It's even worse to run into someone that I need to talk to and can't because they can't speak our language (yes, this has happened to me; it was extremely embarrassing to have to get a female interpreter so I could tell a male janitor about a problem in a men's restroom that he needed to know about.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 19 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    A boating accident will leave you with a Harry Potter-like scar on your forehead. This week: Take your tricycle out for a ride.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    Your fireworks display this year will be the most flammable ever. This week: Buy an extra fire extinguisher.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F1
    After missing your bus on Wednesday, you'll be sunburned and dreaming of snow drifts. This week: Buy aloe in bulk.
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 12 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: If dark-skinned people are so "undesirable," unwelcome and put down by you gringos, how come you bake in the sun like zopilotes to get dark? Summer is fantasy time for all of you, when you can actually get some color in that white skin of yours. Maybe the whole deal about racists is that they hate being white. I would too! Maybe white angry males are actually latent homosexuals attracted to dark-skinned men!

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 12 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    You will become addicted to DIY blogs, forums, and DIY home cleaning products. This week: Don't DIY your next toothbrush.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    You don't get more Life Points by knowing "beauty hacks" from Buzzfeed. This week: Beat the humidity by drinking iced lavender chai.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 5 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I am a Mexican who owns a successful wholesale liquidation business, which happens to be an industry dominated by Jews and Asians and some gringos. So why does almost everyone who visits my warehouse, including mexicanos, think my business (or any successful business for that matter) is always owned by a Jew or a gabacho? Can't a pinche Mexican own a successful business? Just 'cause I'm 5'4", named Armando and don't look like the typical "business type" and I don't have a MBA?

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 5 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will soon have the chance to practice your haggling skills over a used lawnmower. This week: Eat pancakes and listen to records.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
    It's not too late to install shutters on all of your windows before the big heat waves hit. This week: Split a funnel cake with a Sagittarius friend.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 29 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    There is such a thing as "death by cheesy bread" and you should avoid it. This week: Flirt with your favorite barista.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    Finding 10 Dolly Parton CDs on clearance at Goodwill will make your week. This week: Remind all you meet that this country is founded on freedom.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 29 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: While vacationing in Mexico, a couple of times I have had vendors or waiters address me as chica. I didn't think much about it at the time, but while relating a conversation with one of these guys to a Mexican friend of mine back in the U.S., he insisted that chica is WAY too familiar and that these guys were insulting me by addressing me in this way. I was a little surprised to hear that, since I think I'm a very respectful person and wouldn't have given anyone a reason to disrespect me. What do you think?

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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 22 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I'm a half-mexicana, half-gabacha working as an appointment scheduler in a medical office. I'm one of a handful of schedulers there that speak Spanish. I've noticed in the years I've been working in this field that about seven to eight times out of 10, when a Spanish-speaking patient calls, gets one of the schedulers that doesn't speak español, and waits for myself or someone else to call them back, the patient actually speaks English well.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 22 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will regret planting 100 tomato starts this August. This week: Buy a pressure canner.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F1
    You may be feeling down after constructing a $50,000 tornado shelter, but keep your chin up; the season isn't over yet. This week: Drink Vueve Clicquot in your fancy shelter.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 15 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: So, our graphic artist walked out of the room pissed the other day because the publisher asked my opinion over a Cinco de Mayo advertisement they were planning to publish and ended up publishing. The graphic showed a row of chickens with sombreros. The publisher asked if I thought it was funny or racist. I said, "Racist." Later, when they decided to put it in anyway, the proofreader (who is black) had the same reaction — funny, but it was racist because it played on stereotypes.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 15 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    No matter how many times you call, Natural Grocers will not stock "eye of newt" for you. This week: Observe National Sea Monkey Day on Friday.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    A friend will buy you sea monkeys for your birthday. This week: Celebrate quitting your job by taking a road trip to Iowa.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 8 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I'm a pocha and my husband is a gabacho (by the way, we loved your explanation in your book on why Mexicans and Irish get along so well — it really explained a lot about our marriage). We had the rehearsal dinner for our wedding catered by one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. Two guests from Santa Fe thought our choice of caterer was hysterical because the restaurant is called Sancho's. They explained to us that in Santa Fe, a sancho is a "back door man." I had never heard this before.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 8 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You'll see the city in a new light after traveling by roller blades all week. This week: Subsist on cigarettes and coffee.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You'll need an entire week to recover from all the horrible, horrible Cinco de Mayo activities last week. This week: Take in a few poetry readings.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F3
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 1 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Is there a pecking order at the places where you see day laborers awaiting to be hired? What's the hierarchy? Are all those dudes Mexican or are some Central and South American, and if so who has priority when the random contractor comes by to pick up a worker for the day? Also, after they make a bunch of loot, do they go back to Mexico and live in the lap of luxury or what? Gracias!

    — Dude Who Already Got a Job

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