Amuse

The skinny on your week

by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Wednesday, November 26 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will be able to eat for four weeks on nothing but Thanksgiving leftovers. This week: Put on your eatin' pants on.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F1
    Your grandma will throw major shade at you this Thanksgiving for being the only vegan at the table. This week: Eat all the cranberry sauce, without guilt.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, November 20 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans and gabachos resemble each other so much? Both are very conservative about sex, marriage and family. Both are very Christian, either Catholic or Protestant. Both keep similar attitudes towards immigrants. Both are very patriotic or nationalistic. Both deal with the same social issues like high rates of sexual and domestic abuse, alcoholism and homosexuality. In both countries, there's a strong feminism as a reaction against decades of machismo and discrimination towards women. There is a striking similarity between Texan cowboys and rancheros.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Wednesday, November 19 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    It's your fate to start a big project in a small organization. This week: Plant coffee trees.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    You will be the last person ever to pay for something with a check. This week: Carve a set of wooden shoes for a loved one.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
    It's OK to take relationship advice from parking attendants. This week: Give the folks at Lamphouse Photo Company hugs when you see them.
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, November 13 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I'm interested in a job that says it is a plus to have an understanding of Latin, Spanish and Mexican music. I found out some names of musical styles such as Tejano, norteño, mariachi, banda, cumbia, merengue, flamenco and so on. I'm wondering if there is a way to form a "good ear" for the different styles of music and, if asked, be able to explain the different styles of music on a structural basis and know something about the artists in the different genres.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, November 13 | Posted in Amuse

    Aries: (March 21 — April 19)

    Week rating: F3

    You will soon become famous for the way you make bologna sandwiches. This week: Tap dance your way to a lower cable bill.

    Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)

    Week rating: F4

    You'll be able to survive this early cold snap by finding a few new snuggle buddies. This week: Stock up on hats and gloves.

    Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)

    Week rating: F2

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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, November 6 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I'm a half-Mexican — more American than Mexicant (although to Cockasians, I'm sure I'm just another brown spot on their white carpet). I don't speak Espanole nor do I care to, not because I'm ashamed, but I just don't feel the need. If I lived in another county, I would need to, but I live in white-washed Southern California, and 80% of my interactions are English transactions. But in the small percentage of meeting with fellow Mexis, I confess that I don't know Spanish; I get the frustrated angry jeers and, in one occasion, ridiculed.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, November 6 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    Within 72 hours of reading this, you will be on a flight to Japan. This week: Send a "sorry your gubernatorial candidate didn't win" e-card to friends.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    You will be one of the first 10 people to use the new 13th street exit off 235. This week: Stock up on frozen turkeys like there will never be more frozen turkeys.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, October 30 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexican men think all us gabachas are like the girls in Bikini Car Wash? I am married, a conservative dresser, frankly not very good-looking at all (but I do have blonde hair, so maybe that counts for something on a guy's internal whore-o-meter) and I speak karate-choppin' good Spanish. In fact, that's my job: I interpret for Spanish speakers when they go to the doctor's office. So then why — dear GOD WHY? — when I interpret for a Mexican man he seems culturally required to at some point say something gross to me?

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, October 30 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    Your strange and wonderful voyage of discovery begins when you volunteer for a job in which you have no experience. This week: Say "yes" to new things.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    You'll save a baby in a runaway carriage, then ask yourself, "Who still uses carriages?" This week: Bake 24 blackbirds into a pie.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F1
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, October 23 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: What do Mexicans in the United States think of the violent drug cartel problem currently in Mexico? Do local Latinos cringe with disgust or fear when they hear another drug cartel story on the news…or do they feel a sense of disconnect because they are living in America now and it's no longer a concern of theirs? Do local Latinos currently fear crossing San Diego/Mexico border? Do they worry about being kidnapped or carjacked on the way to Rosario like Caucasian people do right now?

    — Yo Gabba Gabacho

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, October 23 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    Journaling is the key to solving your troubles this week. This week: Adopt a new kitty friend.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You will almost come to blows with a Cancer in an argument over cake decoration. This week: Smooth it over with buttercream frosting.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
    You'll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger at work soon. This week: Sign up for the next typography conference in the area.
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, October 16 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I've heard that the Tijuana donkey show featuring a female whore is not real other than the fact that they do bring out a donkey and do some simulation for people who are drunk.

    Down-Low Loco

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, October 16 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    A walrus will appear in your dreams. This week: Celebrate the 20th anniversary of Netscape Navigator by asking a millennial if they know what "AOL" means.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    You should investigate whether you can crowd-fund your student loans. This week: Play Space Invaders in your pajamas.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F1
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, October 9 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why don't Mexicans tip decently? I labor as a waitress in a local upscale steakhouse where, unfortunately, many Mexicans eat, and the lousy tips are starting to piss me off! Even blacks tip better! I always give good service on the one-in-a-million chance the brown-skinned loser sitting at my table isn't a complete social retard. Could you pass the word along so I can quit spitting in their drinks?

    — Waits on Too Many Wabs

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, October 9 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    It'll take a few extra pinches of fairy dust, but you'll get through Tuesday. This week: Only Morrissey understands how you feel.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    If you lose your job this week, you can patch together money by gigging at haunted houses and by posting ukulele videos. This week: Practice your ghostly "oooooh!"
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, October 2 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    You will soon be recognized for your superior pickling prowess. This week: Join a marching band.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
    If you ever aspired to be a guest on Jeopardy!, now is the time to take the test. This week: Go apple-picking with your ma.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F1
    It'll take at least four cupcakes to counteract the karmic kick you'll receive Thursday. This week: Take a trip to the Global Village.
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, October 2 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why don't Mexicans get green cards and come into the United States legally? After talking to people who have, the process is not hard and only takes a maximum of three years to do. By coming in illegally, they are taking the jobs from legal Mexican citizens and taking advantage of the U.S. social welfare systems. This causes increased taxes, not to mention the increased costs of all types of insurance. These costs are forced onto all legal citizens, including Mexicans.

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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, September 25 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: One of the things I have found enjoyable and profound is the use of language by Chicanos, mexicanos and Mexican-Americans. Humor and a sardonic sense of history are encapsulated in many everyday expressions. Two examples I can think of are the use of huey (or perhaps buey), and rollo. In the first case, perhaps buey (ox) is a bitterly ironic reference to the term huey tlatoani "ruler of Mexico-Tenochtitlan" I read about in Fifteen Poets of the Aztec World by Miguel León-Portilla.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, September 25 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    You will win a minor award in a kite-building contest. This week: Organize a Buddy Holly sing-along party.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    When you help a Gypsy lady cross the street, she'll bless you with mad baking skills. This week: Bake a cake with pink frosting, candied roses and two tubes of silver dragées.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F3
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, September 18 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: A very close friend of mine is supposed to become a U.S. citizen. He was brought here by his parents when he was 9 and has been illegal since then. When the laws changed, he went through a lot of hoops, and it really didn't look good for a long while — especially since he was 30 already by the time the law was truly enacted. But somehow, through petitions and an appeal, he has been told he will become a U.S. citizen. That being said, he is still waiting for the day, still working in a dodgy manner, still not driving — his American wife always drives.

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