Amuse

The skinny on your month.

by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, July 30 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    Mark Ruffalo will appear to you in a dream and say, "Don't stop believing." This month: Become a motivational speaker — no, become the best motivational speaker.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
    You will have phenomenal customer service on a budget airline soon. So phenomenal that the reenactment for Ghost Hunters will require trick photography. This month: Bring back disco, in your own small way.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
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    Special One-Liner Answers Edition.

    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, July 30 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I wasn't born in this country but I got here as quickly as I could at the age of 10. I was born in Mexico and live in Houston, a city that is bursting at the seams with Mexicans and Latinos from every country south of the border. I think I have the solution to all this immigration debate. The light bulb went on recently when I was attending a breakfast put on by big-time real estate developers at a five-star hotel. They were pitching new communities being built in resort cities starting at a mere half a million dollars. So why not just annex Mexico?

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    Muy caliente summer beach edition!

    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 11 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why are lowrider artists obsessed with surly clowns? Went to an exhibition of the art of Mr. Cartoon, in Venice Beach years ago, and the clowns in his art were downright disturbing. I've seen these nasty clowns on T-shirts and a bunch of other places, too. What's up with that? Did the whole culture have a nasty experience at the circus?

    — Cirque Du So Low

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 11 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F1
    In times of distress, you will find comfort in buying new socks. This week: Wear your nicest paisley suit.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You'll almost lose a leg when a mom pushing a stroller knocks you over at full speed. This week: Give side-eye to every mom you see.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, June 4 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Do your countrymen still worship the rock band Santana? Or are they looked as like the Who in England and Crosby Still and Nash in America, old relics from the good ol' Woodstock days?

    — Abraxas to the Maxas!

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, June 4 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F2
    Your spatial reasoning skills will improve by 113% next month. This week: Document wherever you go, since that will be where you are.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F4
    You will become a ranter and raver par excellence by the end of Thursday. This week: Listen to all the Leonard Cohen you can handle.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 28 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: From what I've seen and heard, Mexicans are very family-oriented. They take the names of their mothers and fathers, live with extended family, take carpooling to the nth degree and tattoo the names of their children across their bodies. We recently had a party and invited one of our Hispanic friends. She showed up with her grandmother, mother, sister and her two kids! What the hell was that all about?

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 28 | Posted in Amuse
    • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
      Week rating: F1
      You're on your own this week.
    • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
      Week rating: F2
      You're on your own this week.
    • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
      Week rating: F1
      You're on your own this week.
    • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
      Week rating: F4
      You're on your own this week.
    • Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22)
      Week rating: F5
      You're on your own this week.
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 21 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do white people love Marco Rubio and cry at his speeches? Rubio was in my town selling his vision for America mierda to his gabacho constituency, and they drank it up like Tía's fresh jamaica. They laughed, they cried, they wondered why we Mexicans can't get behind the Great Brown Hope. Do we know Rubio even talks to the kitchen help and wait staff when he's finished talking at banquets? "Oh, my God! He's so inspiring!" FUCK THAT.

    — Mark Blondie

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 21 | Posted in Amuse
    • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
      Week rating: F4
      You will have a moment of inspiration while vacuuming the living room. This week: Rattle some cages.
    • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
      Week rating: F5
      A birthday trip to Taos will cheer you up. This week: Ski with the worst of them.
    • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
      Week rating: F4
      This week will be a literal roller coaster for you. This week: Give a four-leaf clover to someone you love.
    • Cancer: (June 22 — July 22)
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 14 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: My most beloved niece married a boy of Mexican extraction. I am very fond of him, but he and his family kind of hold us all at arm's length. It's very difficult to get close and has made me back off. My niece has told me that his mother "doesn't like white people." Wouldn't it be better to get to know me before deciding you don't like me? Isn't her attitude racist? I'll never forget walking into their wedding with big smiles because my niece was getting married and she is a major sweetheart.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 14 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F5
    A summer breeze will make you feel fine. This week: Something, something, jasmine of your mind.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F2
    You will take a big pause when you realize that this week marks the 10 year anniversary of the release of the third Star Wars prequel — you know, the maybe not all that terrible one. This week: Use the Force.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F5
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, May 7 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: I work with mostly young, progressive, educated white folks at an institution of higher education in Southern California. The other day, I mentioned buying a shirt that reads "Illegal immigration started in 1492." We had a good laugh and my co-worker, whom I like a lot, said that it actually began in the Ice Age, suggesting that no one kind of human has claim over "land" or geography. While I get her argument, I was stunned.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, May 7 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F3
    Now is not the time to sell your down comforter on Craigslist. This week: Do a paint by numbers drawing.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    Your favorite coworker will give you a gigantic jar of marshmallow fluff for your birthday. This week: Don't share, no matter how sweetly your office-mate asks.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F1
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, April 30 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans make up such glaringly obvious lies? Like this galán who had his sister call me and say she was really him with a cold? Or my friend who pretends to be traveling around the world but is really sending emails from his mother's home computer? Or the random person on the street who tells you he knows how to give you directions but then just makes them up? Do they have something against reality, or do they really believe themselves?

    — Clara la Dudosa

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, April 30 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    Within two weeks, most of your wardrobe will be chain mail.
  • This week: Don't make out with random strangers named Nick.

  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F1
    You're too cool for Gang Green.
  • This week: Desk-er-size your way into cardio bliss.

  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F2
    You will discover that you are the conscience for all Cancers.
  • This week: Memorize the ingredients of Dr. Pepper.

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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, April 23 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexican men have thicker hair than Caucasian men? Is it because it runs in the genes? (I am only asking about hair on the head not body hair).

    — Frankie

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, April 23 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    You'll be the coolest kid on the block when you use your Radio Flyer wagon to get groceries at Dillon's. This week: Treat yourself to a cupcake with sprinkles.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F5
    Happy birthday to you! You're now much older and slightly wiser. This week: Take a cruise with a friend.
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F2
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    by Gustavo Arellano | Thursday, April 16 | Posted in Amuse

    Dear Mexican: Do Mexicans know that if just one of their grandparents was born in Spain, they could immigrate immediately not just to Spain, but also any other country in the European Union? I know this is not an option for a lot of Mexicans, but it certainly seems like a better one for those that have the "Spanish" option. Spain is a First World country with free health care, seven-hour work days and, quite simply, Spanish people seem to have much more in common with Mexicans.

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    The skinny on your week

    by Diviner Mme Zanzibird | Thursday, April 16 | Posted in Amuse
  • Aries: (March 21 — April 19)
    Week rating: F4
    No, they do not make Aspirin popcorn. This week: Complete your prototype.
  • Taurus: (April 20 — May 20)
    Week rating: F3
    Your early birthday plans go awry. This week: How many colors of sunscreen can you apply?
  • Gemini: (May 21 — June 21)
    Week rating: F4
    Your petition to make your neighbor wear long pants while mowing will get 200 signatures. This week: Fiddle with that thingy-jig you said you'd fix.
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